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Empathy: An Essential Skill for Leaders

Over the past few months I’ve been talking about the skills required to be an effective leader. So far I’ve talked about listening, self-awareness and conversational intelligence. Another skill that is being increasingly recognized as an essential leadership skill is empathy. Although we’re not seeing it demonstrated much on the national stage, empathy has been called THE skill for the 21^st Century.

A recent Forbes article describes empathy as “the ability to understand, recognize and appreciate the way others are feeling, even if it is different from what you are feeling.” A more visual description is from the book To Kill A Mockingbird, when Atticus Finch says, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view – until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

Learning to understand others’ point of view – to figure out “where they’re coming from” – has myriad benefits in the workplace and in life in general. It improves interpersonal relationships, teamwork, negotiations, collaboration, sales, customer service, even parenting!

And empathy (which is one of the components of emotional intelligence) can be learned, according to a study conducted by Cambridge University. In the largest study ever conducted to determine whether the ability to show empathy is based on genetics, results showed that the ability to do so is only 10% genetic. So…90% of the time empathy can be learned.

It requires practice. So how do you do it? International Executive Coach Dr. Melinda Fouts has developed an Empathy Self Audit to help “assess your empathy and do some self-reflection.” Here are a few of the questions in her self-audit:

Are you aware of how others are feeling? Or are you oblivious?
Do you try to avoid hurting the feelings of others?
Do you respect the way others feel, or do you put them down or tease them?
Do you care about the feelings of others?
Does the display of strong emotions bother you, or do you understand and appreciate what they are experiencing?
Are there times you are not sensitive to someone’s feelings? If so, why?
Can you reflect back what you heard the person saying using the same adjectives that the person used to express their emotions?

Spend some time thinking about these questions. What stands out to you? Do your mounting responsibilities, deadlines, or stress get in the way of your being sensitive toward others’ thoughts and feelings? If so, take a step back and think about how you can practice empathy. As a leader in the 21^st Century, it’s a key gateway to your personal and career success.

Next time I’ll share some examples of how integrating empathy into the culture leads to organizational success.

Building Trust Through “Conversational Intelligence”

As leaders, we each have multiple conversations throughout our day. A one-on-one with an employee. A strategy meeting with our team. A performance issue discussion with HR. A budget update with our own leader. And so on.

We typically enter these conversations with a preset notion of how they’ll turn out. Or how we want them to turn out. Yet how often does that preset notion – assumption – go out the window once the conversation gets underway? What we wanted or expected – our intention – does not match the other person’s intention and communication breaks down.

How does that happen?

In her book, Conversational Intelligence, Judith E. Glaser, organizational anthropologist and Founder and CEO of CreatingWE, explains it:

“Breakdowns happen when you and I think we are talking to each other, but we are really talking past each other. We are so engrossed in what we have to say that we don’t realize we are carrying on our own monologues, not dialogues. When we are conversationally blind, our conversations often go off track because we see the world from our own perspective and not from the other person’s.”

One of the most important steps in becoming an effective leader is to develop trusting relationships – with your individual employees, with your team, with your peers, and with your own leadership. Developing that trust comes partly from your actions – doing what you say you’re going to do – and partly from how you communicate with others, or as Glaser calls it, your “Conversational Intelligence.”

“Conversations are multidimensional, not linear,” Glaser says. “What we think, what we say, what we mean, what others hear, and how we feel about it afterward are the key dimensions behind Conversational Intelligence. Though conversations are not simply “ask and tell” levels of discourse, we often treat them as though they are.”

Conversational Intelligence is an organization’s ability to communicate in ways that create a shared concept of reality. “It’s about closing the gaps between your reality and mine. As such, it can yield improved business results and create a framework for enhancing relationships and partnerships, releasing new energy for growth and transformation.”

So how do we develop and improve our Conversational Intelligence?

Glaser says that the first step is creating a healthy, trusting environment. “When intentions are set on bridging our realities, being open and transparent, focusing on respect and relationships before tasks, listening to understand, discovering shared success and consistently working to narrow the reality gaps, we are exercising our conversational muscles. When we do that, we are much more likely to achieve organizational goals and perhaps our personal ones as well.”

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

Your Personal Best Starts with Self-Awareness

In my work with leaders to help them build on strengths and develop in other areas, I often recommend books that I think are particularly insightful. A recent one I’ve been recommending is Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts – Becoming the Person You Want To Be, by renowned executive educator and coach Marshall Goldsmith, and Mark Reiter.

In the book, the authors examine why most of us have such a difficult time changing our behaviors. Our intentions might be good (think New Years resolutions) but often we don’t follow through because of various “triggers” in our environment. “We are superior planners,” Goldsmith says, “but become inferior doers as our environment exerts its influence through the course of our day. We forget our intentions.”

Goldsmith defines a trigger as any stimulus that reshapes our thoughts and actions. “In every waking hour we are being triggered by people, events and circumstances that have the potential to change us.” He goes on to say that triggers can be major or minor moments in our lives. They can be pleasant and effect positive change, or they can be “counterproductive” and cause us to do something we know is wrong.

Triggers can be external – such as another person or a place – or they can be internal. “Internal triggers come from thoughts or feelings that are not connected with any outside stimulus.” An internal trigger could the result of a bad past experience or an ingrained belief.

Goldsmith points out that triggers are not “inherently good or bad. What matters is our response to them.” Learning how to identify and take control of your triggers – through self-awareness – is the first step in making a positive response.

Think for a moment about a positive change you made recently. What prompted that? What was the trigger that helped you change? Now think about something you know you need to do but keep avoiding. A difficult conversation, for example. What’s holding you back? What’s the internal or external trigger that’s preventing you from just getting it done?

Doing some work to think through and maybe even write down triggers that impact your emotions and behaviors can be very helpful in learning to manage them. Enlisting the help of others by inviting feedback is another way to develop self-awareness and move toward positive behavior change.

“Behavioral change demands self-discipline and self-control,” says Goldsmith. “We tend to use these terms interchangeably, but there’s a subtle difference. Self-discipline refers to achieving desirable behavior. Self-control refers to avoiding undesirable behaviors.”

Triggers includes a Daily Question list that can be used to help motivate and monitor incremental behavior change. These are the 6 key self-questions that he recommends you ask daily:

Did I do my best to set clear goals?
Did I do my best to make progress towards goal achievement?
Did I do my best to find meaning?
Did I do my best to be happy?
Did I do my best to build positive relationships?
Did I do my best to be fully engaged?

“Fate is the hand of cards we’ve been dealt. Choice is how we play the hand.” – Marshall Goldsmith

Successful Leaders Listen More, Talk Less

Successful business leaders know that to engage employees, meet customer needs, and stay ahead in the marketplace they need to listen more than they talk.

Take Richard Branson, for example, billionaire founder of Virgin Group, who says: “Listen more than you talk. Nobody learned anything by hearing themselves speak. I am endlessly surprised by what new and useful information I can gather just by keeping my ears open.”

In a LinkedIn post Branson said: “We have two ears and one mouth, using them in proportion is not a bad idea! To be a good leader you have to be a great listener. Brilliant ideas can spring from the most unlikely places, so you should always keep your ears open for some shrewd advice. This can mean following online comments as closely as board meeting notes, or asking the frontline staff for their opinions as often as the CEOs. Get out there, listen to people, draw people out and learn from them.”

Research bears out that effective communication (which includes listening!) is tied to success. A recent study showed that companies with more effective communicators had 47% higher total returns to shareholders over the last 5 years compared to companies with less effective communicators.

President Barack Obama is known as a great communicator, usually in reference to his polished speaking skills. But he also knows, and demonstrates, the value of being a great listener – someone who quietly and thoughtfully listens to different points of view. In his 2016 commencement address to Howard University, he advised graduates: “There will be times when you shouldn’t compromise your core values, your integrity, and you will have the responsibility to speak up in the face of injustice. But listen. Engage. If the other side has a point, learn from them.”

Great listeners have the ability to make the other person feel as if they’re the only one in the room. Former President Bill Clinton was well known for his listening skills. It’s been said about him that, “He has the ability to connect with an audience and then turn around and make the person who was helping with the slideshow feel like they’re the most important person there.”

Make a point every day to listen more than you speak. Listen to employees – their feedback, their ideas, their concerns. Listen to customers – their needs and feedback may prompt your next innovative product or service, or help you improve existing offerings. And listen to what’s happening in the marketplace, you never know where the next great idea will come from.

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.” –Doug Larson

Are You Listening? Really Listening?

We hear a lot about leaders who are great speakers. Who can inspire through their words, capture the attention of a large audience, or engage others through a compelling story. But another leadership skill that is just as important – if not more so – is the ability to listen. Leaders who demonstrate to their employees and their teams that they listen – really listen – build trust, promote engagement, and inspire loyalty.

Studies show that we spend about 80% of our waking hours communicating in one form or another. This breaks down to about 9% writing, 16% reading, 30% speaking and 45% listening. You’d think, given that in theory we spend almost half of our communication time listening, we’d all be better at it. But here’s the thing. Are we really listening?

Stephen Covey famously said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Think about the last time you were in a one-on-one meeting with an employee. Maybe they were seeking your advice about an issue – a deadline that was likely to slip or a customer complaint – how much time did you spend listening to their description of the issue before you gave them a solution? Did you ask probing questions (and listen to the answers) to ensure you (and they) fully understood the impact of the issue? Did you ask for their ideas on solving the issue (growth opportunity!)? Did you ask, “what do you think we should do?”

Turning this I’ve-got-a-problem-and-need-a-solution meeting into more of a conversation by asking questions and listening to the answers is a great way to invite a deeper dialogue that may result in new ideas and insight. Plus, employees feel valued when they’re listened to. And when employees feel valued they’re more likely to be engaged and loyal.

In her book, Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results, Judith Glaser discusses the importance of leaders developing their “conversational intelligence” by

Listening more than talking (75% listening, 25% speaking)
Asking probing questions
Choosing positive, more expressive words
Paying attention to non-verbal behaviors
Being humble and approachable

Here are some additional tips that will help you be a better listener.

Eliminate distractions. Close your computer and put away your phone.
Focus on the speaker. Turn off your mental to do list.
Don’t interrupt. It’s rude.
Withhold judgment. Let the speaker finish. Ask for clarification if needed before responding.
Pay attention to what’s not being said. Their body language, facial expressions.

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” – Bryant McGill

Becoming the Leader You Want (and Need) to Be

As I discussed in my last blog, working with an executive coach can help you prepare for a transition, work through a specific issue, and/or overcome a derailing behavior. Coaching can also help you develop in place to become the leader you want (and need) to be. But where do you begin? What are the essential skills needed to be an effective leader today?

If you look at the myriad lists of “top” skills and competencies for leaders (and there are many of them!) there are several skills that consistently bubble to the top: strategic thinking, effective communication, interpersonal skills, a desire to develop others. These are some of the traditional skills that make an effective leader. But there are some additional skills that have become increasingly important over the past few years as we look at a new way of working in the 21^st century. Skills like emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and collaboration. Keeping skills up to date for today and into the future is another benefit of working with an executive coach.

There was a time when “emotions” did not enter into workplace conversations, at least not in a positive way. Leaders managed actions, not emotions. Today, however, emotional intelligence, or EQ – the ability to recognize and manage your own emotions as well as those of others – is seen as perhaps the most essential skill to succeed as a leader.

In an article in Entrepreneur, Mariah Deleon, Glassdoor Vice President of People said, “Just as it’s important to seek new hires with emotional intelligence, it’s vital for managers and other business leaders to operate in emotionally intelligent ways to meet the needs of today’s workers. Investing in EQ has brought our company more engaged, committed employees, and we’ll continue to put a premium on this effort moving forward.”

One of the elements of emotional intelligence is self-awareness. Leaders who are self-aware, who know their strengths and are willing to admit the areas where they need development, tend to have stronger, more trusting relationships with their teams and colleagues. As an objective third party, an executive coach can help you gain insight to your strengths and development areas through tools such as a 360 assessment, and then help you create a plan to leverage strengths and address any gaps.

Often when we talk about leadership and communication, the focus is on the leader as a provider of information – vision, goals, feedback, updates, solutions – and how frequently and forthrightly that information is provided. But communicating effectively as a leader is more than just giving information. It’s about listening to your employees and conveying that you heard and understood. It’s about ensuring that your tone and body language are in sync with your words.

Dr. Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at UCLA, said that there are three elements in face-to-face communication: words, tone of voice, and nonverbal behavior (body language, facial expressions). Each of these elements has weight in the way a spoken message is interpreted by the “receiver” of the message, especially when the communication involves attitudes or feelings (like/dislike). According to Mehrabian, the receiver interprets the message based 7% on the actual words, 38% on the tone or way the words are said, and 55% on the facial expressions or body language. So in the example of a leader saying to an employee “I don’t have a problem with you,” while standing with their arms crossed, avoiding eye contact and looking anxious, chances are the employee is going to believe what the body language says over what the words are. Learning how to align words, tone and body language is one of the finer points of communication that can help you become a more effective leader.

Another skill that an executive coach can help with is executive presence. I’ve found this to be especially helpful for leaders I’ve worked with who have been promoted from within the organization, perhaps even leading a team of people who used to be their peers. Learning to influence the way others perceive you, building confidence in how you command a room, making a strong first impression are all important aspects of executive presence.

If you need help developing in any of these or other areas to be a more effective leader, please contact me for a free consultation.

Top 3 Reasons to Hire an Executive Coach

There was a time when leadership coaching was reserved for those leaders who needed to “shape up” in a particular area before being shown the door. That’s not the case today. In fact, most senior leaders attribute at least part of their success to having worked with an effective executive coach.

According to a survey conducted by Harvard Business Review and Carol Kauffman of Harvard Medical School, the top three reasons that executive coaches are engaged are:

Develop high potentials or facilitate transition (48% of respondents)
Act as a sounding board (26% of respondents)
Address derailing behaviors (12% of respondents)

For those in the C-suite of an organization, whether large or small, navigating the often-challenging waters of economic trends, tough decisions, internal politics, etc., can be a lonely ride. And it can be hard to get honest feedback (or necessary pushback) when you’re the “big boss.” You need an objective third party who will ask the tough questions, give you honest feedback, and help you think through the best way forward. And that’s where an executive coach comes in.

The HBR survey also showed that for a coaching relationship to be successful, the executive must be highly motivated to learn and grow. Coaching is most likely not going to benefit someone who has a know-it-all mentality or who isn’t open to constructive feedback. It’s also important that the coach and the executive have a good rapport. In fact, the survey showed that regardless of how experienced or credentialed the coach is, if they’re not a good fit for the executive the trust required for the relationship to succeed will probably not develop.

I know from the feedback I’ve received from the leaders I’ve coached and from my own experience working with a coach that when it’s the right fit there are numerous benefits to be derived in each of the top three reasons mentioned above.

Development/transition. A good coach will help you become more self-aware, so you can understand and build on your strengths, and identify those areas where you need to develop. They will help you think through and plan for a transition to a new role or different organization and (most importantly) keep it confidential. That’s why trust is so important.

Sounding board. A good coach will help you get “unstuck.” They’ll listen, ask questions, and then help you find the clarity, focus and confidence you need to take action.

Address behaviors. The more senior you are in leadership, the less likely it is that someone will call you on a behavior that might be derailing your effectiveness as a leader. A good coach will have tools – a 360-feedback instrument, for example – that will help you recognize those behaviors and develop a plan to reduce or eliminate them.

Most importantly, a good coach combined with your willingness to be coached and your desire to learn and grow, will help you become a better leader, no matter where you are in the organization.

Contact me at michelle@connecttohr.com for a free consultation to see whether leadership coaching is right for you.

Pardon Our Dust – Connect to HR is Growing and Changing

I’ve got some exciting news about what’s ahead for Connect to HR – and about some changes you’ll see in the coming months.

But first, let me back up. My Human Resources career spans over 20 years – at Intuit, Johnson & Johnson, Cadence Design Systems and KLA Tenor. And for the past 8 years, I’ve had my own business – Connect to HR – where I’ve focused on HR consulting for a variety of companies, including Apple and Veritas as well as privately held businesses, nonprofits, and foundations.

Along the way, the senior executives and leaders I’ve worked with came to see me as a trusted, confidential advisor. Certainly for my expertise in HR, but in truth, for a whole lot more than that.

So, after some reflection, I have decided to step more fully into the role I’ve already been performing for years: Executive Advisor and Coach to confident, accomplished leaders.

My typical clients are not new executives. They are well established in their careers – CEOs, Presidents of small to mid-size companies, and Managing Directors, Senior Directors, VPs, and Executive Directors of nonprofits. They’re facing challenges such as:

Effective communication – What they can say or not say, what they can do or not do – and they’re feeling unsettled, possibly for the first time in their career (and thus can benefit from an external advisor)
Being assigned a role that’s not what they’ve done before – with little to no mentorship
A restructuring that leaves them with more responsibilities than ever, without much guidance or room for error

I’m proud of the work I’ve done in Human Resources these past 20 years. And based on what I’ve learned as a result, it’s time to begin the next phase of my work. Like any change whose time has come, I’m both excited for the future and have a few butterflies in my stomach.

I do want to stress that I will continue the HR advising work I’ve been doing for the past 8 years. That’s not going to change! I’m just adding Executive Coaching to my list of official services as it’s something I’ve been doing for years now anyway.

As a woman who runs her own business, I’m keenly aware that my success relies on the support and collegiality of the people around me. So, from the bottom of my heart, whether you’re a new reader of the blog or a longtime referral partner, thank you for all the ways you’ve supported my work and livelihood – and here’s to an even brighter future.

– Michelle Mendoza, SPHR & SHRM -SCP

Grow as a Leader Through 360 Feedback

Management expert Ken Blanchard once said, “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” Yet for many of us feedback is a hard meal to swallow. The minute someone suggests giving us feedback, our defenses go up and our hearing fails. Both reactions are limiting to our growth and development. Especially as a leader.

As a leader, your actions and behaviors have broad impact. The individuals who report to you, your peers, your leadership, customers, vendors, partners and the organization overall. Gaining insight about how you positively impact others as well as areas where you could do better will help you become the best leader you can be.

An effective way to obtain this insight is through a 360 assessment.

In her recent Forbes article, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About 360 Assessments But Were Afraid to Ask, Jo Ilfeld, CEO of Incite to Leadership, points out that there are numerous benefits when organizations take the performance management conversation beyond just the manager and direct report.

“If you are human,” she says, “you have blind spots. A 360 can illuminate glaring blind spots: You want to empower your team by letting them come to you when necessary. Your team finds you aloof and unapproachable. Or you value relationships and finding compromises. Your colleagues want you to occasionally be selfish or take a hardline stance when necessary.”

Although it may be difficult to hear, this kind of feedback will help you “see” what others see and thus become more self-aware. Becoming self-aware and recognizing that there are always opportunities to learn and grow are first steps in strengthening emotional intelligence, which is a key quality for leaders today and into the future.

Ilfeld suggests that there are three crucial points when a 360 assessment is most beneficial.

When you are starting a new role or opportunity
During periods of struggle or difficulty
When you engage with an executive leadership coach

She also notes that working with a leadership coach is the best way to ensure that feedback received is turned into actionable steps. Without coaching, people tend to focus only on the areas where they need to improve. Building on your strengths is also essential to your growth and development.

“All of us have growth and development areas. Rally your strengths to tackle where you could be even more effective. That’s a rewarding leadership endeavor.”

“We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.” – Bill Gates

5 Key Characteristics of an Effective Leader

For an organization to succeed, it needs quality products or services, engaged employees, and effective leaders – at every level.

But what makes a leader effective?

In the work I’ve done with leaders over the years in both corporate roles and as a consultant, I’ve identified five common characteristics among those whom I consider to be effective leaders. That is, whose employees are engaged and loyal, whose teams are high-functioning, and whose organizations are thriving.

Effective leaders communicate often and well. One of the key causes of poor employee engagement is the lack of communication from leadership. Effective leaders share information and knowledge on a regular basis with their teams and individual employees. Through town halls, one-on-ones or casual conversations, they keep employees in the loop. They share successes and they share problems (and their solutions) openly and honestly.

Effective leaders are good listeners. They know that to build trust and loyalty communication needs to be a two-way street. They seek feedback from employees on issues and they solicit ideas for solutions. They provide opportunities for employees to express concerns, share ideas, ask questions and they listen to and, whenever possible, act on employee input.

Effective leaders are inspirational. They create and communicate a vision and inspire others to follow. They articulate how each employee’s role ties to the vision and to the overall success of the organization. They recognize the achievements of individuals and teams on a regular basis. They create a culture that is diverse, inclusive and that encourages employees to take risks and learn from mistakes.

Effective leaders are emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is made up of four core skills: self-awareness, social awareness, self-management and relationship management. Emotional intelligence is the foundation for critical skills like empathy, stress tolerance, decision making, anger management, flexibility, social skills and others.

Effective leaders grow their people. Jack Welch said: “Before you are a leader, success is about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is about growing others.” Effective leaders know that to keep their employees engaged and happy, they need to help them learn and grow. They need to provide employees with opportunities that build on their strengths and that nurture new skills and capabilities.

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” – John Quincy Adams